Poor Messed Up Fox

My fox was brand new

All shiny of hue,

‘Til I found it had puntured

The bottom of my shoe.

Unbeknownst to me,

I had walked a mile or two,

And scraped the poor thing,

‘Til it’s black and it’s blue.

Mom’s Bandage Scissors

Today I had an injury that required bandaging. I went to get Mom’s first aid kit, even though all that’s left are various bandages and tape, but…

The most treasured of all is her bandage scissors. These date back to her nursing days, perhaps sometime in the 1940s. They were used all through her nursing career and our childhood and now, up to today.

When she passed in 2010, the first aid kit became mine. These scissors are nearly 80 years old and they are as sharp and useful as they ever were.

They remind me of my mom’s hands. They were always ultra clean and soft as a baby’s bottom. With those hands she scrubbed our scrapes and cuts without mercy. Then she would bandage us up with such love that we soon quit our crying.

Always present were Mom’s bandage scissors whenever needed. Today I was thankful for them once again. I’m sure they’ll endure another 100 years.

The Price of Friendship. Silver or Gold?

She asked me if I was wearing silver or gold. My answer was silver. Her response was, “then go”.

Her accent was foreign to me. She was probably nearing 70 years old. She wore a form fitting swim suit and lay on a lush towel on the white sand. She was beautiful. Her hair was full and dark and streaked with sun bleached strands. I laid not far from her on a cheap hotel towel.

A tall and lanky young man in a tight red speedo, that left not much to the imagination, stood towering over me. He was dark brown and muscular. His life on the beach made him appear darker than the skin peeking out from under his suit.

I had met several of what I called “the boys on the beach”. Because I am naturally curious and an ethnographer, I had spoken with many of them and had even befriended a couple.

They made their livelihood by providing services to the tourists on the beach. Some worked giving rides on jet skis and inflatable bananas. Some drove boats for para-gliding. Most of those that I met had started quite young… 13 – 14 years old even.

If they were lucky they would meet women who would then take them out to dinners, buy them clothes and would even give them money.

I had watched these scenarios on the beaches in Mexico many times. One might see older women out in the clubs at night dancing, escorted by these young men. Some might even call them gigalos. Everyone benefited.

So, here was Gilberto, offering to take me out on his paddle board, out to the La Isla de Roqueta. He had cold beer in the compatment on his board, he added, hoping to convince me. I was reluctant. Even though he was a cousin to one of the men I had gotten to know, I didn’t know him except by sight.

He was trying convincingly to encourage me to go with him to where only the locals would know. He knew of a cove with white sand, he said, where there was every color of irridescent fish and beautiful coral and unusual rock formations. But I have no money, I said, hoping to discourage him.

I was equivocating even though I knew him slightly and I was used to seeing him everyday on the beach taking others out into the bay to the Isla. Tired of our discussion, it was then that the woman lying near me stepped in with her question, “Are you wearing silver or gold”?

I told her that I was wearing only silver. She then, with an air of authority said, “Then go”. I felt like my mother had just told me that I could go ahead and go on a date with that boy on the motorcycle.

I gathered up my towel and climbed onto his long board. Gilberto stood on the front of the board with a paddle, looking not unlike a statue of Adonis. I relaxed as he handed me a beer from his cooler. This wasn’t the first time I had accepted an invitation to do something a little adventurous, to some maybe, dangerous

He was practiced and proficient as we glided past the submerged statue of Nuestra Señora de Los Mares or better known as La Virgen Guadelupe.

This statue is not very deeply submerged and is a popular tourist attraction, often visited by the glass bottomed boats that transport tourists and locals alike, between the beaches and the island. She’s located in the Bay of Acapulco off the coast of La Isla Roqueta. Though beloved, it seemed really creepy to me.

Nuestra Señora de Los Mares or the Virgen de Guadelupe

By the time we were out into the bay and gliding and rocking along, I was so glad that I overcame my trepidation and went along. I was so glad that the lady lying beside me on the beach had encouraged me to go. Then, as now, I’m glad I did not miss this experience.

As we drew near the dock where the boats landed and let people off to visit the restaurant on the island, we took a turn to the right and circled the island staying near the shore. The sun was warm and the breeze was cool and the water splashing over the board was refreshing.

It wasn’t long and Gilberto guided us into a small and hidden cove with a white Sandy beach. The smooth and glistening rocks at the water’s edge were every color and shone in the sun through the translucent blue, green water. Gilberto unloaded the cooler with the beer and a few snacks onto the beach.

Cove on the Isla Roqueta

For a short while I laid on the beach and drank another beer. Gilberto encouraged me to move into the water and I laid and floated on the gently sloping beach. As my eyes adjusted to looking under the water, I saw schools of beautiful small fish, iridescent in the sun and shining in every color. Gilberto moved in and lay beside me. I lost track of time.

For a minute I thought Gilberto would try to make a move. He did but as I moved a little away from him, he did not persist. I didn’t blame him for trying, as this is how he made his living. He was possibly hoping that I would be one of those women who would spend their vacation taking him out to dinners buying him clothes and spending money on him.

We talked softly, drank more beer and rocked in the water until the sun sank into the horizon. It was time for us to reluctanty return to la playa Caleta. The air was still warm as stars began to appear in the sky. This had been a magical day.

I jumped off the board just short of shore and walked through the gentle waves onto the warm sand. I laid my towel out and sat down, exhausted from the day in the sun and sea. Gilberto sat next to me. I asked him what I owed him. He wouldn’t take my money. No matter how much I insisted he refused to take even one peso.

I wanted to at least pay for the beer. I wanted at least to pay him for his time. I knew that if he hadn’t spent the day with me, he would have made money doing what he does best, which is to entertain the tourists.

Instead, Gilberto and I had become friends. Maybe this was worth more than silver and gold to him. I know it was to me.

When I was a Weaver

Maybe the worse for wear

This is a hand woven pillow top completed in 1973. That’s 50 years ago! It’s made of 100% rustic wool on a large floor loom while taking classes at the Multnomah Art Center. I cannot remember what breed of wool or the pattern but it was a marvelous experience. It changed my life.

I bought several looms over the years and enjoyed weaving. I learned to spin, as well. Recently, I sold all my weaving and spinning supplies.

It took years to admit that I would not ever weave again, so I kept my equipment and supplies far too long. Thanks to my mom and dad’s persistant support, I have always been proud that I never let anything stop me from doing whatever I’ve chosen to do regardless of… well, there came a time that I had to give up on this craft and many others.

I have little to show for this time in my life with the exception of a few pieces, including this one. Though it is the worse for wear, I will sew it into a pillow cover again. It makes me nostalgic for those beautiful years.

A poncho for Hannah, 1973

Gluten Free Orange Cake (Sicilian Whole Orange Cake) – Christina’s Cucina

https://www.christinascucina.com/gluten-free-orange-cake-sicilian-whole-orange-cake/

My Whole Orange Cake

So, I love citrus pastries and I love citrus drinks, even coffee. This recipe fit the bill to a T. I think I’ve met my addictions.

My favorite latte is orange cardamom with coconut milk. And now, I’ve found my favorite cake.

This cake uses a whole orange, yep! peel, pith and flesh ground to a paste in the food processor. Just chop it a little and throw it in. The addition of cream cheese, along with the butter, makes an incredibly moist and dense cake.

The orange glaze on the top is much like marmalade. It makes a sticky coating that enhances the crumb and flavor of the cake perfectly.

If you don’t worry about gluten, you can make this with regular flour. This is a cake that I will make again and again.

I just had to share the recipe. I hope you love it as much as I do.

A Cat to Accompany Death

Mom and I had moved 3 times between the years 2002 and 2010.

Our first move was moving her out of senior housing into a house with me. She was 81 and in good health but not eating as well as she should (too many Hungryman dinners) and it was getting harder for her to clean the floors.

I had just returned from Santa Monica, California to take up a permanent position. It was perfect timing for Mom to live with me. However, this wasn’t the first time, as she had lived with me, my husband and children for a decade already.

But changes in our lives had necessitated Mom moving into senior housing for a time. Jack and I moved into a tiny duplex on our own while our children transitioned out of the house.

As soon as I moved from California back to Oregon, I moved Mom in with me. In the first house that we moved into, we had abundant gardens, which we took full advantage of. We spent every day that wasn’t stormy or too cold, out in the yard. Mom had been skillfully using a walker for a few years at this point, and managed quite easily.

However, there were steps going up to the path to the front steps of the porch. There were steps going down from the back door into the back garden. There were steps going down into the basement. Mom loved to do the laundry and so it was necessary for her to descend those dark stairs. I soon decided that I would take over the laundry chores. I couldn’t though deny Mom the privilege of going in and out of the house at will, though it was a constant worry.

It was in this house that Mom saw me through surgery and eight months of chemotherapy. She took over all of the household chores and my care. I was supposed to die but I didn’t. We lived on together.

Five years later we moved into a beautiful little 3 bedroom ranch and again, with large gardens and beautiful plantings front and back. Thankfully, this had absolutely no stairs for her to climb or descend. But, in two years it was necessary for us to move once again.

Fortunately, I found a house with an identical lay out without stairs so that Mom could spend her time out in the yard tending to the plants and just enjoying the outdoors. We had a large outdoor patio where I hung fushias and begonias from the rafters and filled the space with hostas and ferns. I bought a large Asian pot and filled it with water and goldfish and lotus.

We were happy in this house and I hoped we wouldn’t have to move again. Mom was quite near her church and the bus came directly to our door to pick her up to take her anywhere she wanted to go. We lived in the neighborhood where she had raised us. We were home.

One day, shortly after we moved in, a beautiful and talkative mixed breed cat that looked much like a siamese, came strolling up the street and walked straight into the house, just as though she’d been there before. I think she had found home.

She found it comfortable, sleeping on the corner of Mom’s bed in Mom’s bedroom or sitting at her feet or walking back and forth so that Mom could pet her and gently pull her tail. Mom would give her food and water and they would spend the day together as I worked. I knew they were close but at that time I didn’t realize just how close they had become.

The cat we called Mama, as I did for many of the cats that I had in my life. If Mom were gone and it was just me at home, Mama didn’t pay much attention to me except to lay close if I were sitting on the couch or in a chair. She might follow me outside to sit on the patio furniture if I happened to sit for a while.

I could tell that the cat was only trying to figure out where Mom had gone. One day, Mom went to the hospital where she stayed for two weeks. When she came home, it was to wait for the inevitable.

We situated the hospital bed in front of the large window where Mom could see the goings on in the neighborhood. She, and her constant companion, watched for the mailman, the newspaper delivery, and the many visitors who came with cookies, cakes and kisses.

Mama sat with Mom day in and day out and reluctantly jumped off the bed only when we changed the bedding. Then came the day when Mom cut the cord that tied her to this world. Family and friends came to say their last goodbyes. I didn’t notice if Mama was around or hiding safely but out of sight.

When everyone was gone, my sister, my daughter and I (and Mama) were the only ones in the house with Mom as she took her last breath. Mama sat quietly on the hospital bed, against the window beside the front door, as Mom’s body was carried out into the wee hours of the night.

Just two days after Mom’s passing, the hospital bed had been removed by the hospice folks. Later in the day, I saw Mama in Mom’s bedroom, laying on the end of her bed. I hadn’t been paying much attention to her as I had much to attend to. I laid my hand on her soft body expecting a reaction but she was cold and stiff. Mama had died.

I think Mama had come to accompany Mom on her journey out of this world. Now her work was over and it was time for her to rest, as well. You were never my cat, Mama, but I loved you, too. Thank you for walking with Mom as she passed on. We won’t ever forget you for accompaning life and then death.

When I Retired

This is it. The jumping off point.

The edge. The letting go. The possibilities. My first solo flight.

A toast to everything that held my hand; held me together; provided security.

But this is the time of whatever, whenever.

I’ll trust my wings, my heart, my desires.

Salud!

(PS: Written nine years ago today, I sat in a candlelit bar, having walked out of work for the last time. With a drink in hand, it was a dark and rainy day. I was alone in my reverie. Tears of joy, of fear, of the unknown? Looking back, I have no regrets.

Chapter 2: The Adventures of Baby Fox

Baby Fox

By now Baby Fox was not so much a baby but she still had so much to learn.

Baby Fox was still all alone and had not found a family. She had become quite adept at hunting for her meals but many times she found herself hungry and shivering from the cold.

Deep winter had set into the mountain. It had snowed mightily leaving deep drifts in all of the valleys and crevices and small niches. She hadn’t found out that in order to prepare for winter she had to find and prepare a den. You see foxes don’t hibernate but they need a warm place to sleep during the day and to hide their prey.

Baby Fox had now a keen sense of sight in the darkest nights. She had slits in her pupils like a cat and like other canines, she could hear the slightest rustling of wings and scuffling under the dense bushes of others just like her, looking for their own nightly meals. But hunting and catching her prey was never easy.

Before the ground froze and snow covered the trees, Baby Fox had learned to eat small birds and small animals that scampered through the forest, but now that the cold had set in in ernest, she slept curled in a tight ball at the root of a tree, and woke at night to find food.

She began her life in a struggle to survive and never had been nourished by her mother’s milk. She was still tiny, though she was a fully developed adolescent fox but hadn’t even learned the skills her mommy would have taught her. As the sun rose over the mountains, her eyes would begin to close even if her tummy was empty. The cold, wet dirt under a bare root became her only bed.

Fortunately, she was as keen of sight and hearing and could smell as well as any animal in the forest even without the benefit of growing up in a fox family. While hunting one night, she ventured farther afield than her usual territory. She came upon a hole she hadn’t seen before. It was hidden under a large stone. Ferns and moss were peeking out from under the snow, which had been protected by an overhanging cliff. She cautiously felt the warmth coming from within and heard soft purring sounds.

As she approached the entrance, whatever was in this den smelled of something awful but strangely attractive. But morning would soon be coming and she knew she couldn’t resist slumber. Maybe, she thought, it could be like when she first found her family as a baby kit. Maybe there were some sisters or brothers to snuggle with. She cautiously approached the entrance, perhaps with too much curiosity but with an instinctual need to sleep and for warmth and comfort.

She put one paw inside, then another. She put her nose to the ground and then lifted it in the air. Though the smell was strong like that of a skunk, which she had foolishly come too close to before, she sensed that it was something different. She was quiet. She began to breathe so as not to make a sound. Whatever was in this deep, black den was sound asleep. Casting all care to the wind, she slumped to the floor, wrapped her fluffy tail around herself, closed her eyes and went helplessly, fast asleep.

The day broke and snow fell heavily on the earth. There was no sunlight that could penetrate the storm. The wind howled and even the wild things that searched for food during the day, were hunkered down. Their backs were hunched as they turned their backs to the wind and closed their eyes.

It wasn’t until late in the day that the storm subsided. Animals began to stir and shake the snow from their backs. Birds, that had not migrated, began to peck where they could, to find seeds and bugs and other life to eat. Other animals tried to paw through the deep snow for any thing they might find. They gnawed on bark and branches. It was a fight to stay alive in the forest on the mountain.

As night began to fall, Baby Fox began to stir. She immediately sensed danger. It dawned on her that she was not the only one in the den. She feared to move a muscle and yet instinctually she knew she had to leave the den to once again hunt for food.

She heard a low growling and a slow movement deep inside. She heard the noise and felt that the creature was ever so slowly creeping closer. She had to flee but as she rose to escape, she bumped up against something blocking the entrance. While she slept, the storm had blown snow firmly and solidly against the opening to the den, trapping both animals inside.

They both needed to get outside. The hair on her back rose and her tail extended and her claws, that were safely hidden, were exposed. She would fight, she thought, if she had to. The other animal suddenly charged. Her hair had grown thick as the temperatures lowered on the mountain. This, and her claws were all the protection that she had. The other animal came at her with a vengeance and they began to tumble in a fight for their lives. They growled and clawed and bit each other. The fight was so violent they broke through the snow that was pressed up against the opening of the den. They both tumbled out onto the fresh snow that was lit by a full moon.

Baby Fox lay as still as if dead. The snow around her turned red but looked black in the moonlight. She knew that the other animal had fled. It was almost twice her size and stronger. She hadn’t really got a good look at it. She felt as though she couldn’t move yet, though she already felt hungry and thirsty. The cold snow felt good on her battered body. It also helped to stop the blood flow.

After some time she began to stir, not because she felt better but out of necessity. She licked her wounds for a bit and made it up on her legs with great difficulty. She couldn’t go far from the den and so she sniffed around for something she might find to eat that wasn’t too much trouble. Something had not survived the snowstorm and was lying beneath a tree not too far away. She was able to tear at the still warm carcass with her tiny but razor sharp teeth, through the hair and break through the skin and she ate as much as she could.

She knew she needed to get to shelter or she would be someone else’s dinner. She knew she was unable to fight or flee. She tore off a chunk of meat and headed back to the den from which she had fled with the meat in her mouth. Once there, she marked the hole with urine both outside and inside, and then she collapsed towards the back of the den in the deepest dark corner. She only hoped that her assailant would not return.

She knew not how long she slept. It could have been that she slept through a night or two before her stomach began to growl and cry out for food. She was also in great pain. When she woke, she ate a little of the meat that she had drug into the den. She then went to work cleaning her wounds. She had small deep gashes on both of her front legs. She had a deep gash on one of her hind quarters. Her body was covered in deep bites. Her jaw was aching and blood dripped from a wound on her skull and one ear, as well.

Baby Fox had survived but it would be some time before she was healed. Fortunately, there was enough food for a couple of days and nights, but she needed water. She pulled herself over to the opening of the den and licked at the snow. Nothing had smelled her blood and so nothing had bothered her yet and her assailant had not returned. She was hurting but getting better every day. She had apparently found a home for the winter and knew where there was food and how to hunt if other animals had eaten the dead carcass that was lying by the tree.

Baby Fox had faced the challenge of a lifetime. What other adventures Baby Fox will have to face is yet to be told. We’ll have to wait for Chapter 3 of The Adventures of Baby Fox.

Letters Between Friends – In Dangerous Times

1

Hi Sweetie, I live as though I am partially blind. I see something, mask it with a justification and surge onward. I have spent 7 days in a dream of which I came out of only yesterday.

I was hit twice in the temple by a jealous drunk woman, offered a charge of crack and sex by a young beautiful black girl, got sick and broke out in crater sized pimples.

Since I faced myself in the late afternoon yesterday, the flu like symptoms have mysteriously disappeared. Could it be that my body is my best angel?

I am led to strange places by subconscious yet conscious Cubans who have a common river running in their desperate brains. “Can you help me”, they say again and again like a constant chant that fills my good senses with bad ideas.

I must have a need. I push all sorts of interesting but wasteful stuff at it and come away without having accomplished the very thing that I sought to accomplish and then I’m exposed to what I don’t want. Now buried, I can’t see it anymore. Write to me, I will explain what I mean or call.

For ever your friend, Karen

2

OK baby, Denial is holding on to what already has died but one won’t learn the lesson of it because feeling and thinking the same old shit is easier. Or, once again, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.

Why are you hanging out in bars with shaky Latinos? You’re bobbin’ up-and-down with 3 fingers out of the water. The Cubans are only there to take the rings off your fingers before you go down for good.

You can’t possibly believe that you’re having fun. Where are your guts? Do something different. Don’t go dancing even if you really want to. Don’t rationalize your wants around your desperate needs. This time is not about you but about your family. There is enough there to fill your days and nights. Fuck the-guys-in-the-club thing for a big 8 weeks. I will meet the challenge with giving up or doing what you ask of me for 8 weeks.

I am worried about your recklessness. It is not 1970 when there were virtually no consequences to taking drugs or in a one night stand. I am worried you do not understand you can drop dead, you can get Aids, you can get herpes, you can nose dive and never get out of the spin. I don’t think you can see what your going out and coming back beat up must look like to your family.

Your recklessness in going out and looking for trouble is scaring the hell out of everyone who loves you. Don’t you care? Who is out there cheering you on? What are you thinking? You know what you are shootin’ for while you are in the clubs. Do you have the courage to say it? Is it worth it right now? What happens if your family says enough is enough?

I am ready to hear how mad you are that I would write this. I am ready to read where you see I am fuckin’ up. I am so ready.

I do love you. I check my email every day.

Love, MB

3

Sorry for jumping up-and-down on you in the last email I just don’t get the attraction to the same old scene that chews you up and spits you out again I don’t want to see you keep cripplin’ your relationship with your family because you want to be worshiped by anyone who is willing. You have so much wonderful experiences around you right now at this moment and the moment will not last long.

I check my email everyday. Feel free to write whatever, something like I have. I am not afraid to hear anything although, I might bark a little.

Still your friend? MB

4

Hi Sweetie, Will you please stop being afraid to speak your mind with me. Do you think that I don’t know what your reaction will be when I tell you the things that I do? I expect that someone who loves me as much as you do will tear me up when I fuck up. I give you, if I haven’t already, permission to nail me to the wall, beat me with a stick until I cry out for more love… but I know that I won’t quit going out dancing. I just want to get smarter, quicker. It only took me 7 days to open my eyes. Actually they were open all the time. I justify my blindness. I am gaining much needed experience and will hope to learn more each day. I will find out about myself. I will, I will, I will.

Mexico is the next stop, baby. I have to head home in order to arrive by the 28th. I will arrive late if I can come and see you again.

Gotta go. And by the way, nobody is influencing me. My friend is appalled at my attraction for the wild side. She prefers to die slowly, I, the quick and handy way.

Anyway, no more Cubans. I love you, Karen