So this is where we begin before we end. This is not as hard as it might at first seem if you think rationally. You still believe in love and that love is defined in your mind and heart as a monogamous thing. And why shouldn’t you, it is what you were conditioned to believe.

Sex, love and monogamy are what I am talking about. Sex and monogamy are easily defined but love with all of its expectations is not. But for the sake of getting through this, let’s say that I will talk about love as a “feeling” between two people, not family love or friend love, but a physical and emotional tie between two people, something that starts out based on a surge of hormones, somehow foolishly hopeful that, in our society anyway, it will lead to a monogamous relationship. I am his and he is mine sort of a thing.

We are brought up in our society to believe that if we “fall in love” the next obvious thing is that we ought to solidify the relationship in some way. Make a commitment; promise a lot of things that have been proven impossible to keep. We are only human, for god’s sake. Our so called “Christian’ based society founded on patriarchal, puritanical precepts has built a structure of laws to protect those sacred vows that boil down to “I will have sex with only you” professed during civil and religious ceremonies and we believe that those “laws”, if you will, extend to a committed relationship between two people. “We will be faithful”, meaning that we will not flirt or fuck other people and if we do, the result will be that civil law will back us up and the laws of support promised and given to us by our family and friends if we are the “victim” of an unfaithful partner. We have become the victim if our partner has sex with someone else. In the heat and passion of sexual ardor, people make commitments unwittingly. “I love you; this is mine and no one else can touch it; o.k.? Promise me.” And then when the object of our desire gives “it” a way to someone not in our committed relationship we are all undone. Come on now! You know what I’m talking about.

If you look at the statistics and if you are to believe what you read and hear you will see what I am talking about and will begin to come around to my way of thinking. The reality that monogamy is a choice, that is not often chosen, is clear. If you are not convinced, pick up a newspaper, turn on the television, or listen to the radio. The media has a cruel way of bringing reality into the open. Man indulges in sex with people other than those with whom he has promised to be faithful, and that in spite of the consequences that result in a society that says that it believes in monogamy and that is the truth. And if we are honest with ourselves, it has always been that way. How many news stories, novels, songs, tales, legends and myths are written to tell the story of sexual betrayal? And we can all relate. It is a rare person who can say they have not experienced the pain of betrayal even if imagined and even though it might have been the tiniest painful pinch. Let’s talk about jealousy if you are still resisting. You see your partner’s glance linger a bit too long, a conversation that seems a bit too intimate, a phone call, a slip of paper, a none too convincing excuse for coming home a little late a little too often.

Woman will remain monogamous for multitudinous reasons. To name just two: she is feeling “loved” which I will put into quotes because love is a completely subjective term, if she needs the security of having a man who can provide for her or for her and her children, (now she will remain faithful in this situation even if it is not good) she will feel satisfied enough to not seek other men. She will need attention, tenderness, support and the most difficult for a man to give his woman is a friendship. Men on the other hand do not equate sex with love. Yes, men write love songs, even cry when there is a breakup of a relationship (or a breach of confidence) in which they felt secure. But this is mainly need and not so called love. A man alone cannot stay alone for long. As my ex-son-in-law, puts it, a man has “a need to spread his seed”.  They do not need love to have sex. They’re not wired this way. They just need a woman, any woman. And not even necessarily a woman, right?

Man does not want to be monogamous. Everything in his biology says that it is wrong. He might think it is a good idea when he is drawn to a woman. He wants to possess her, make her his and his alone so he will promise her anything. He will tell her whatever he thinks she wants to hear. He is tricked by what he has seen in romantic movies, what he has heard in church, what he has been taught at home. But it is not long before he begins to wander in mind and body. It is in his nature. It’s a biological thing. I once had an intensely religious man tell me that given the right circumstances and feels assured that he would not be found out, any and every man will have sex with women other than his wife. Do we need to have someone tell us that this is so? It is happening all around us.

Believe me. This is not what I want for my life or for the women that I love, but when my heart is burning with jealousy or my heart has been broken once again, I must face the truth. And it hurts to know that because of what women believe, that we should have a monogamous man, we will be hurt again and again. If this is so, then why does jealousy exist? Our body and mind react: anger, sadness, confusion, sleeplessness… thoughts of revenge, feelings that only lead to actions that we will regret or even will suffer grave consequences for which we will pay dearly. Is it nature or nurture that we care at all where he is or what he is doing?

I conclude that the only real “love” is the feeling that a woman has for her children, but not even every woman has this so called love or attachment; there are anomalies.

Then there are changing societal mores… women’s rights, for instance, women who are much more independent in this new world. Monogamy is just among the many types of relationships extant today. Perhaps this will all be moot in the not too distant future. But for now, betrayal in a monogamous relationship at the least can lead to a breakup and at the most can lead to murder.

This is a never ending conversation…